There are a few people who make me feel like I’m not quite cool enough; and I have been trying, desperately, to work out whether the problem is them – or me.
At 30, I should be beyond these schoolgirl considerations. They smack of whispering at the back of classrooms and popularity ratings and things that you would have hoped I’d grown out of…only the hurt is still as sharp and the insecurity, as gnawing.
It is frustrating that, whilst they’re getting on with life, I am still struggling to wrestle back a little self respect and reassure myself that their opinion is not the only thing that counts.
I manage – for a while – to justify the exclusion and move on from the rejection; and then, they cross my path again – and I’m back to where I started. Feeling judged – and not quite making the mark. Being left out – but then inclusion isn’t obligatory. A subtle patronisation – but nothing that I can put my finger on.
Anger, hurt, indignation – then the crumbling acknowledgement that maybe they are right.
The dilemma comes from the fact that these feelings are mine, not theirs; the response, belonging to me – and their opinion, what they’re entitled to.
Stalemate.
When I was younger, I would have tried, immediately, to change myself or sought, desperately, to win their approval; but this only serves to confirm the inadequacy. I have spent enough time punishing myself for somehow being “wrong”.
When I didn’t know myself so well, I would have denied the feeling or jumped, automatically, into the anger and the injustice of it all; but anger is a double-edged sword and the perpetrator feels the wounds as sharply as the victim.
If I was braver, I might have a conversation – but the point is illusive, shrouded in feelings and not words.
If I didn’t care so much, I might walk away from the situation – but the connections are inter-twined and entangled, and the lack of resolution would remain – until the next meeting.
If I was more sharp nosed, I would rise above the comments, or the stirrings of hurt, and remind myself that one person’s opinion is just that –
One.
But, until I reach that point, the best I can do is remember, when I am going about my life, that it hurts (if you talk down to people’s experience); and it is painful (to exclude with no explanation); and it is unkind (to pass judgement, when we’re all just equal) –
And returning the hurt, however tempting, would just make me the same.
Tags: hurt, rejection, relationships, self-acceptance
This sounds like a trigger thing to me, dear. In other words, do the feelings of inadequacy socially really belong to today? Or is some jackass sending you to old and painful places? It makes a difference, right? In terms of how you heal from the hurt? You are a lovely beautiful intelligent funny and interesting woman and you are 120 on a scal of 100 for Cool.
I may of course as always just be talking out my ass, but maybe it’s worth a look.
Thank you! Maybe a little for the last part – but I think you might be right about past / present, and maybe it just comes back to what I think about me. It’s hard to work out when the problem is in some one else’s behaviour or your reaction to it though. Maybe it becomes less of a problem as you become stronger in your self? Here’s hoping….
I think that’s how it works, yes. The more confidently we feel
.
about ourselves the less confidently we feel about what we fear others think of us. For after all, we don’t really know what others think, do we? We interpret others’ behaviors based on just that…our interpretations. Which are based in our minds, right? Or maybe it’s just my ass talking again. But this feels right to me
I will never be as cool as I wish I was and that’s probably true for everyone (at least I hope so. Otherwise I’ll feel even more freakishly uncool).
I don’t know if it’s any help, but you can’t impress or appeal to everyone. There’s always someone out there though who likes you, finds you appealing or rates you as being ‘cool’ (and when ‘cool’ is so subjective, how do you know how to be ‘cool’ anyway?)
It is about self-acceptance and telling yourself you’re alright, but when you don’t like yourself, feel ‘uncool’ and isolated it’s easy just to come to all the conclusions that you’re an outcast failure with nothing to offer. It never usually occurs that maybe the people shunning you aren’t actually appealing people at all and that maybe the problem is with them. Maybe – as Splinteredones says – there is no problem and it’s misinterpretation.
Anyway, ultimately ‘cool’ is a nebulous thing and it’s strange that we all allow it to hurt us so much. Someone doesn’t think your cool? Someone else does. Hopefully that helps in some way. If not, just know that there are people out there reading this that think you are pretty damn cool.
Might be a case of over-generalisation! … You’re right, it’s impossible to please everyone and the tension only arises when I forget this and anger or hurt then factor in. Plus, as you have pointed out, coolness is totally subjective and changes all the time – so I might as well just stick with being me!
Oh, I struggle with this one too. I have a tendency to assume the worst – to feel excluded or unnoticed, unaccomplished, especially in the presence of people I perceive as being, in some way, “more” than me. I hate when I judge myself by what others think of me… even worse when I judge myself by what I think others might think of me. (You see my vicious cycle.)
I am working on this too. So, while I don’t have any profound bits of wisdom to share, at least you know you’re not alone.
Gosh, the vicious circle thing sounds familiar and, also, the notion that you can somehow read minds. And they’re always thinking bad things (or that’s what my head suggests).
Ridiculously, I have posted on the unreliability of perceptions and mind reading… I still haven’t quite taken myself on board yet.
Some more work I guess?!…