I have known, for a while now, that I am going to have to write about jealousy at some point. I have started, multiple times, in the past year, and then abandoned the attempts in frustration as the words splutter out with no resolution; and, amidst the debris, I can not find what I am trying to say.
Jealousy is something that I struggle with on an almost daily basis. A cruel and angry emotion that starts in the pit of my stomach; winds its way around the object – and then shoots back to me again.
Envy is closely aligned, yet more crippling. It is ingrained and slow-moving, and I often get them confused.
Her job is more interesting than my job; his flat is bigger than my flat; where they live is better than where I live; blonde hair has far more allure that brunette; if only I was as clever – or as beautiful – or as popular – or as slim, as her.
One complaint leads to the next and the poison oozes, insidiously, until everything’s tainted.
For as long as I can remember, I have been like this.
Threatened by other people’s success (and then ashamed of the emotion). Envious of other people’s attributes (and then aware of my own deficiencies). Possessive of people and qualities (which you can not own, nor really compete over). Angry and hurt and frustrated that it is always them – and not me.
Followed by the bitter after taste of self-disgust and a dribble of rage.
Jealousy is never pretty.
Envy eats you up, from the inside out.
Together, they reek of desperation and the deep yellow of the acidic bile that I used to wretch up in an attempt to expel the emotions. They are linked, I am beginning to see. The eating disorder and jealousy and envy. They have been dancing around in my head, egging each other on; or, else, tangled together in a kind of grotesque hold.
At the start, I think I thought the eating disorder would stop the emotion or, at the least, provide a means of punishing myself for it. This is how the cycle began, I think. Emotions – then guilt – then punishment – then lower self respect – then more emotions – then guilt – then punishment – then lower self respect. The further you sink, the higher up the rest of the world begins to appear.
And so we start again.
Later, the eating disorder became a substitute; a stand in for all that was lacking. The gnawing subsided, here, for a moment; or was, at least, subdued. I do not care that they have more friends – or a better wardrobe – or higher grades; because I can, at least, be thin.
There is, of course, a fundamental flaw in this line of thinking, and a twist that you only appreciate near the end: you’re running in the opposite direction from your aspirations; moving further from, not nearer to, where you really want to be heading.
And now? Now, it is back with a vengeance and a fiery twist. The more I engage with life, the harder it pushes and pokes and surges and urges me – not on, but away; not forwards, but backwards. Backwards. Again.
Which is why I have realised that it is time to stop. Now. And work out what is going on.
Because the only advantage of my position is that, when the grass is always greener and the black cloud never seems to shift, I’m sure the jealousy begins with me –
Which means I can stop and look at what I’m craving for – and running from -
And therefore, I hold the key.
Tags: emotional healing, jealousy, the human head
Thank you for this post, I love your blog so much – it’s like reading my own thoughts at times, especially this…tomorrow is my birthday and at my age those around me are in relationships, with good jobs, houses some of them, married others and I am only just beginning to get my head above water in terms of anorexia and depression, I know I’m in for a massive downer tomorrow and a lot of my feelings are bound up in jealousy as you have described so well. We do hold the key. And I hope you find the lock it fits very soon so you can move forward.
Thanks you so much for commenting and I can completely relate to the Birthdays thing. It seems to be a really hard time for lots of people and I know that I always find myself agonising over comparisons on my Birthday. Maybe it’s the social marker thing that seems to negate the different successes that people have along the way; and we really need just to remember the steps that we have made, rather than where we’re “meant” to be. This is, I’m sure, part of letting go and finding the key….
Wishing you all the best. xx
I can (of course) relate to this as well, as I’m often ashamed at the jealous feelings that come up for no apparent reason. While I know that I am a “good” person with much to offer, something as stupid as someone going on a diet or starting an exercise program makes me jealous–like I’m the only one who can do these things, or at least the one who has to do them better.
I get envious of the moderation they can exhibit with these behaviors and the fact that they can be muscular, healthy and carefree about food. This also happens with “life” things mentioned above–I’m not married, other jobs always sound more appealing, I’m not as stylish or my blog isn’t as insightful and engaging, etc. The irony? There is nothing standing in my way but me. These people and things–and I’m not even into “things”–aren’t stopping me from being happy, healthy and successful. I am.
Instead of being jealous of others, I have to do what I can do to make myself the best ME I can be–not like everyone else. It’s hard, I know, and I hate feeling jealous. The thing is, you probably don’t even realize that others may be having the same thoughts about you! (And your wonderful blog, my dear.)
I think it is probably quite normal to be jealous or envious of other people sometimes. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be human.
I can see, however, how it’s a bigger issue for those of us who have had EDs or various other issues that leave us insecure and unhappy. If I let myself, I would probably be eaten up by it entirely.
What I’m trying to do now is to look at it as an opportunity to find out something about me. For example, I was really upset and jealous by someone getting a house and getting engaged the other week.In fact, I was so cross I said so to my colleague, whose instant reaction was ” do you want to get married?” This caused me to pause a moment and realise that yes, I suppose I do. Not necessarily this minute, but I do think it’s something I value and aspire to now, that perhaps I didn’t before. When I could see my jealousy as coming from my own desires for me, it seemed different and a little less painful.
Thanks for these comments – and I am totally on the same page with a lot of this; in fact, I am halfway through writing about using jealousy positively or, at least, more positively!
I think it is important to remember that it’s probably a normal emotion – I guess it’s just the fact that I feel consumed and blocked by it that make me so interested in understanding and working through it, particularly as I want to resist the urge to revert back to my old coping mechanisms.
There are some great points here, however, that make moving foward from this a real possibility, so thank you!
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say ‘the more I engage with life’, the harder it gets.
There was a time when I didn’t let myself aspire to better things – or even ‘normal’ things that my friends had – because I didn’t feel worthy. So for a while, I did a dead-end, menial job (despite a good degree), lived in a low rent flat with strangers, did not return the affections of men who showed an interest in me to avoid what I saw as inevitable rejection and became very ‘modest’ in every way. I told myself I was happy like that and for a while I was.
Then I had a run of good luck: I was head-hunted out of the blue to do more or less my dream job, I hooked up with a guy I’d been too afraid to ask out for years, my confidence went through the roof and everything looked up. But it was only then that I realise how long I’d been doing myself out of what I ‘deserved’. I became spectacularly jealous of people for having things I’d never cared about before (houses, husbands, children) and started to be very ungrateful for what I did have, even though I had come a long way.
I think your eating disorder may have had the same effect on you as my rock-bottom self esteem and the life I created around it: at the time it felt like it was protecting you from having to go out and compete with ‘normal’ people, and only when you started to challenge it did you realise what it had taken away from you. So I’d say you’ve got every reason to feel jealous of others now. Dealing with it is another matter though – I am still struggling with that myself. But I guess the age old piece of advice is still probably the best: remember that when you look beneath the surface, you often find it took a lot more work, heartache and pain for people to get where they are now.
I love this comment because it completely strikes to the heart of the issue. Firstly, in relation to the low self esteem and the defence mechanism (the ED for me); and then, as a reminder that actually the jealousy is both real (my life is not where I want it to be) – but also that things which are worthwhile are hard work. Really hard work. Yes, luck sometimes features and there are ‘right times’, but you’re spot on about going beyond the surface – because I was skating dangerously close to the ‘everybody’s luckier than me’ way of thinking, which completely negates the challenges they may have overcome.
It also, in a far more selfish way, means that there’s potential – and hope – for me.
Thank you!