Pull your socks up and put a smile on your face and be grateful for everything you’ve got, because what will people think when you’re walking around looking miserable.
This time, I don’t really care what people think and I can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm to pull up my socks. They will only slide back down again. I am tired of playing games. I appreciate that I might not be great company; but if you give me time to sort my head out, then I’ll probably get there in the end –
It’s when you trample over my feelings or sweep them under the carpet that we’re heading for disaster.
I realised today just how used to putting a smile on I have become; and, how the frozen facade just made the eating disorder all the more important. With nothing to retreat into, I am finding the emotions hard.
Since I woke up, I have been blinking back the tears and squashing the stuff that’s making me want to cry. It feels like I am choking. It is at this point that the eating disorder entered, I think. Firstly as a representation of the choke (because if you won’t let me speak, then I’ll have to behave); and, then, as a way of storing it up for later (because what else am I supposed to do with it?).
It has echoes, today, of pushing it down and wrapping it up and waiting until the door’s closed and I can get rid of the emotion.
Only that particular door is bolted from the other side now, so I am having to sit with the discomfort; and, because I’m sitting with it, rather than overpowering it with hunger, or purging it with bowls full of food, I am aware of how used to covering it up I have become. How expected the stitched on smile is; and how, because I can’t quite pretend, I am waiting for the accusations to start flying –
It is not okay to walk around with a miserable face, Melissa, nor acceptable to seem a little down, because you don’t realise the impact of your behaviour or how unpleasant your mood is making everything.
I doubt your experience of it is as unpleasant as mine –
But now I’m wallowing. Or drawing attention to myself. Or doing something fundamentally wrong.
You have to be careful with emotions and telling people to “get on with it”. Judging them can be quite destructive; and denying them doesn’t make them go away.
So, I’m sorry if I don’t meet my social obligations today, and I apologise if I’m lowering the mood; but I’d like a little room to acknowledge the emotion –
because if you ask me to separate myself from my feelings, again, then I don’t think I’ll ever quite mend.