Pull your socks up and put a smile on your face and be grateful for everything you’ve got, because what will people think when you’re walking around looking miserable.
This time, I don’t really care what people think and I can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm to pull up my socks. They will only slide back down again. I am tired of playing games. I appreciate that I might not be great company; but if you give me time to sort my head out, then I’ll probably get there in the end –
It’s when you trample over my feelings or sweep them under the carpet that we’re heading for disaster.
I realised today just how used to putting a smile on I have become; and, how the frozen facade just made the eating disorder all the more important. With nothing to retreat into, I am finding the emotions hard.
Since I woke up, I have been blinking back the tears and squashing the stuff that’s making me want to cry. It feels like I am choking. It is at this point that the eating disorder entered, I think. Firstly as a representation of the choke (because if you won’t let me speak, then I’ll have to behave); and, then, as a way of storing it up for later (because what else am I supposed to do with it?).
It has echoes, today, of pushing it down and wrapping it up and waiting until the door’s closed and I can get rid of the emotion.
Only that particular door is bolted from the other side now, so I am having to sit with the discomfort; and, because I’m sitting with it, rather than overpowering it with hunger, or purging it with bowls full of food, I am aware of how used to covering it up I have become. How expected the stitched on smile is; and how, because I can’t quite pretend, I am waiting for the accusations to start flying –
It is not okay to walk around with a miserable face, Melissa, nor acceptable to seem a little down, because you don’t realise the impact of your behaviour or how unpleasant your mood is making everything.
Is it?
I doubt your experience of it is as unpleasant as mine –
But now I’m wallowing. Or drawing attention to myself. Or doing something fundamentally wrong.
You have to be careful with emotions and telling people to “get on with it”. Judging them can be quite destructive; and denying them doesn’t make them go away.
So, I’m sorry if I don’t meet my social obligations today, and I apologise if I’m lowering the mood; but I’d like a little room to acknowledge the emotion –
because if you ask me to separate myself from my feelings, again, then I don’t think I’ll ever quite mend.
Tags: depression, emotional healing, unravelling
Absolutely you can take all the room you want from me, dear. Absolutely you should TAKE all the room you need, even though I know that isn’t really possible for you. You do not have to stitch on that fake smile here. This is a very powerful act of claiming that you have just done here. Congratulations and feel the empowerment when you can. Brilliant!
We all need to be miserable sometimes, I refer to it as experiencing our emotions, and if we cant even experience them then how can we truly say we are experiencing and gettng the most out of life?
Its healthier to acknowledge those (negative) emotions than to bottle them up and pretend they don’t exist. How else can we come out the other side?
But I do know its easier said than done. Admittedly I don’t have an ED in my past, but I still have to stitch on my smile sometimes. My issues revolve around me being the strong one, the one that is there to pick the pieces up for everyone else despite what is going on in my own head, when it feels like everything is about to come crashing down around my ears. But I do get something back from helping people, whether they acknowledge it or not – it helps make me feel worthwhile and that is invaluable, especially when my confidence dips as low as it has done in recent months.
I don’t want to be miserable because then people won’t want to be around me and that makes me feel even worse and the cycle continues. But sometimes you have to be, and there are people that will still want to be around you, because they love you and care about you and want to help you.
The only person I’ve found who doesnt want to be around me, is me. And thats the hardest bit to come to terms with. I hope you have more luck than I’m having at the moment.
x
“Get on and deal with it” is all well and good but not possible all the time for human beings. You’ve got to be true to yourself and go with your feelings. If that means painting on the smile is too difficult at the moment then so be it – be true to yourself and screw the eating disorder and what anyone else thinks. Go easy on yourself.
Hope you’re alright Melissa. Take care and feel better on your own terms…
Fuzzylogic – your logic isn’t fuzzy at all! Experiencing the emotion is a far better way of describing it and I guess where I struggle is making sense of it, and taking it in manageable steps rather than sinking. I guess it’s something we all struggle with, regardless of our pasts; and maybe the temptation is to make it better (from both the individual and those surrounding them). It’s only when you deny them that things get sticky, and I think I have some unresolved anger around that!
I also relate to your cycle and think that it’s important to remember that there are ways of feeling better too. You help people IMMENSELY – and I really hope that you can start moving into a place where the kindness that you give to others starts to give a little to yourself.
Thank you James and Splinteredones – am taking a little space to “experience the emotion”! Hopefully listening now will stop it coming back to bite me later!.