I have just lost another follower on twitter. This is confirmation that everyone hates me. On a different day, I probably wouldn’t notice; but today, there’s only one thing going round my mind, and it’s sucking in any evidence that it can find.
Revealed – they’ve cottoned onto what you’re really like.
Rejected – see what happens when they work you out?
Humiliated – because everyone can see, now, that you’re fundamentally flawed.
One.
Everyone.
These are the things that my head is telling me that I shouldn’t say. This is the ammunition that will lead to the future rejections. Push. Push. Push. What will they think? Do it. Say it. Write it. And eventually they’ll be no one there.
Maybe this is what I’m scared of, though I’m tempting the situation. Or, maybe it’s just that perspective eludes me and things are all – or nothing – with no gradients in between. Maybe it’s neither, and I just haven’t cottoned onto the fact that the world doesn’t revolve entirely around me –
I have a tendency to jump from one example to a full blown foregone conclusion.
To take it all too personally.
To completely over-react.
I think that my eating disorder had a field day with my over-reaction, and this might be why I’m finding it hard to just sit with the emotion. It took a little event, or feeling, or comment, and stretched it out of all proportion so that it was impossible to see what else was going on. It twisted, and contorted, and confused experiences so that, in the end, they only pointed at one thing – a negative reflection of me. And then, it twisted the knife with the next, inevitable, conclusion: self-obsession, narcissist, don’t ever look beyond yourself –
Or maybe that wasn’t the eating disorder, but me?
At the moment, the hurt – from whenever – is red raw and rampant. Tomorrow, though, when the heat has subsided, I will make myself take a step back; because I’ve learnt a lot in the past few years that I need to remember when it feels like ‘everybody hates me’ –
Like the fact that there are a hundred things going on in the world at any one time, and they’re virtually all unrelated to me.
Or that some people like oranges, whilst others prefer grapes.
And that it is impossible to make sweeping judgements on twisted evidence –
Because my head is still getting perspective very wrong.
Tags: beliefs, Self Esteem, unravelling
I am feeling a little embarrassed by this post now. The temptation to press rewind or suck back the negativity is hard to resist; and suspended, only, by an awareness of blog etiquette – and the fact that I need to stop undo-ing how I feel.
So, although the lack of proactive and positive ideas unsettles me; and whilst it feels a bit like I’ve loaded a word gun, I’m going to try and remember to keep this in perspective (one bad post amongst quite a few not so bad ones); and ride over the fear of disapproval (because this is about telling the story and not about making friends); and just accept the experience, without entertaining the ‘but everyone will hate me’ concept –
Because then I have at least, started to challenge the notion, rather than just giving in.
I liked this post because it was honest and, perhaps, because it didn’t necessarily have a positive message; it is what it is.
From what I am learning, this sort of thinking is typical of those of us with low self-esteem and confidence, whether because of an eating disorder or that’s been there even before the eating issues came along.
In my experience, the eating disorder was a way of avoiding or remedying this sort of thinking: Scary thoughts or scary feelings led me to use food as my way of coping, rather than dealing with the real thoughts or feelings themselves. As a result, I didn’t learn to deal with the problems and have kept putting them off, all the while they are festering and making me unhappy on some level or other, so I use food to cope with these new feelings etc. A vicious cycle.
So here I am, too, looking to try and step back, like you, and gain perspective. The people who barge their way into the lift aren’t doing it to make me angry; the fact that my eyes were watery today so I couldn’t wear my lenses doesn’t make me a failure and the world isn’t conspiring against me to make me ugly; the fact that my boyfriend texts me less often than I text him doesn’t mean he loves me less- he’s just busy. And yes; the world doesn’t revolve around me.
Something I think is helpful is to remember that everyone around me isn’t thinking of me, but mostly they are thinking about themselves. They are all in their own heads, too.
Keep trying. These types of posts aren’t negative or rubbish; they are honest and that’s sometimes more helpful than being told to stay positive. Because sometimes we can’t and that’s okay too.
Thank you. That makes loads of sense to me. More learning I guess?!
xx
Hi Melissa. I am a bit late replying to this as I followed your comments through a feed. The main thing I find about reading what you, and others, have written is the honesty – just how soft your under bellies are, and that you are exposing yourself to unkindness – bullies love to hit an easy target and it helps offload their issues – they have the opportunity here. It is truly brave.
The things of which you speak are in everyone – no matter what they look like to the outside world. I have not met one single person who is not easily hurt by off-hand comments, or exclusion from a social situation. Spending just about all of my life (soon to be 43) feeling a freak, I now realise it is normal to be a freak. I know not everyone likes me, and guess what? I don’t want to be liked by everyone. What sort of person is liked by everyone? You would have to be pretty nondescript to be that likeable – and not completely honest either. One of my annoying things is talking – endlessly – see? Doing it now. I have too many opinions too. I hope I have made my point though. If I met you and didn’t like you, that is not your problem, it’s mine. I have missed out on another life experience, for shame.
A wise woman once said, what other people think of you is none of your business. (Can’t remember who is was – but it wasn’t me)
!!!!
Thanks so much for this comment and for reminding me that I’m not the only one out there feeling this.
I have been aware that I’m potentially sticking my head above the parapet but a wise man once told me that if I owned my secrets then they couldn’t hurt me anymore, and so I remind myself of that! I think I will also take on these wise woman’s words too…