I have just lost another follower on twitter. This is confirmation that everyone hates me. On a different day, I probably wouldn’t notice; but today, there’s only one thing going round my mind, and it’s sucking in any evidence that it can find.
Revealed – they’ve cottoned onto what you’re really like.
Rejected – see what happens when they work you out?
Humiliated – because everyone can see, now, that you’re fundamentally flawed.
These are the things that my head is telling me that I shouldn’t say. This is the ammunition that will lead to the future rejections. Push. Push. Push. What will they think? Do it. Say it. Write it. And eventually they’ll be no one there.
Maybe this is what I’m scared of, though I’m tempting the situation. Or, maybe it’s just that perspective eludes me and things are all – or nothing – with no gradients in between. Maybe it’s neither, and I just haven’t cottoned onto the fact that the world doesn’t revolve entirely around me –
I have a tendency to jump from one example to a full blown foregone conclusion.
To take it all too personally.
To completely over-react.
I think that my eating disorder had a field day with my over-reaction, and this might be why I’m finding it hard to just sit with the emotion. It took a little event, or feeling, or comment, and stretched it out of all proportion so that it was impossible to see what else was going on. It twisted, and contorted, and confused experiences so that, in the end, they only pointed at one thing – a negative reflection of me. And then, it twisted the knife with the next, inevitable, conclusion: self-obsession, narcissist, don’t ever look beyond yourself –
Or maybe that wasn’t the eating disorder, but me?
At the moment, the hurt – from whenever – is red raw and rampant. Tomorrow, though, when the heat has subsided, I will make myself take a step back; because I’ve learnt a lot in the past few years that I need to remember when it feels like ‘everybody hates me’ –
Like the fact that there are a hundred things going on in the world at any one time, and they’re virtually all unrelated to me.
Or that some people like oranges, whilst others prefer grapes.
And that it is impossible to make sweeping judgements on twisted evidence –
Because my head is still getting perspective very wrong.