I am having a bit of a hard time.
The stuff that I thought I’d sorted out years ago has made a reappearance; and, without the crutch of an eating disorder, I have been caught off guard.
This was not part of the deal and I am beginning to feel a little cheated. “If you lose weight then it’ll all be okay” has turned out to be a mixture of illusion, and blatant lie.
You would have thought, given all the therapy, that I would have been prepared for the re-surfacing of some not very nice feelings. That, with a recognition that the eating disorder was often a coping strategy, I would have stopped and asked what, exactly, it was that felt so hard–
Only, the solution became a more immediate problem; and, as the years went by and the concrete began to set, the root of it all got buried somewhere; and I wasn’t sure how to break in.
This has not been very hard now that I have displaced the crutch. A little tap, and
ouch, there it is.
And so, I find myself, 20 years down the line, feeling exactly the same way that I felt as a child; and, experiencing the same emotional volatility that anorexia promised it would save me from. And, despite the detour, and in spite of the helpful stuff that I inadvertently picked up along the way, I feel like I’m struggling, because the feelings haven’t lessened and the ‘solution’ was only a concrete-over-the-cracks fix that still tempts and teases and taunts –
I have proved that giving in will not resolve the situation.
I know, too painfully, that the ‘solution’ is only pretend.
So I am struggling, at the moment, with a head that feels out of control, and emotions that seem to shoot off left, right and centre – and then to places that I wish they wouldn’t go to. And I am not doing a very good job of behaving how I would like to behave, or making any logical sense of my thoughts – and actions – and feelings –
Because the baggage I thought that the eating disorder had taken care of has turned out to be a ticking timebomb that has been thrown back, as a passing farewell, by what has proved to be nothing more than a temporary – and ultimately ineffectual – eating disorder shaped pin.
Tags: emotional healing, lessons, self discovery, the human head, unravelling
hang in there, i know you have the strength to look beyond the lies of the eating disorder… it is so seductive and alluring, but it is not the answer <3
Wow. This resonates SOOO much with how I feel at the minute, but you describe it much better than I have been able to! You have really helped me clarify and work out some of what I’m feeling other than just a sense of “I don’t feel ok”. I know that half the battle is being able to identify and name what the problem is and, knowing this, then I find hope again. So thank you. I hope and pray that means the same for you too.
Ups and downs dear. ED is a bitch that rears it’s head all over the place. It cheats. Makes promises if will not keep. But it is physically very damaging and to be rid of the behavior is at least a very good thing. We have many many layers. Maybe this is just your next one popping up. Which totally sounds like forward motion even if it doesn’t feel that way. ((())) for you. Try to figure out what’s going on. I will tell you.
Really sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Hang on in there and just remember that anorexia isn’t a solution; it only makes thing much, much worse and doesn’t solve anything.
You’re strong enough to make it through: loads of positivity sent your way…
I really appreciate these comments. I know that the eating disorder is not the answer – it’s just really striking that what I’m feeling now has thrown me right back to before it all started. I just need to find a different way of working through it.
in 12 step circles it’s said that when we give up our addiction we go back to the age we were when we first started it. this made me a very young 32 year old when i first got recovery! still, i tried to see it as an opportunity to take a different path this time – to walk the road less travelled if you like – and the good news was that i now knew what lay at the end of all the other roads. however hard this path feels at times i hold on to the knowledge that i am finally walking my true path and being present to myself. even when my feelings seem overwhelming i remind myself that they cannot kill me. in fact as much as it always felt like they could they never had that power – it was my strategies for avoiding my feelings that nearly killed me… stay present, be true to yourself and don’t always trust what your head tells you! my head has believed a lot of lies over the years and boy does it tell them back to me in a plausible way… best quote for difficult feelings? ‘this too shall pass’