….is a question that I have been asking myself rather a lot recently.

Now that I’ve realised that people are preferable to an eating disorder, I’m eager to make up for lost ground and appreciating just how much we’ve got to offer each other –

Only, it’s a little harder now that I’m nearing 30 and most people seem to be settled; and, I’ve hit a few unanticipated questions – like where do I go, and what do I say? – and some overlooked assumptions – like what do I have to offer? – that have put a few barriers in my way.

Making friends is far more complicated then I remember.

Given that the last time I tried to make friends, the other 30 people in the classroom shared my sentiments, this is, perhaps, unsurprising. However, after doing lots of things that I thought I couldn’t do, and as I’ve already come this far, there’s no points in shying away from a challenge – and this is what I’ve started to learn:

1. Being my own friend

I have a thing about loneliness. I tend to see it as a personal flaw and imagine I walk around with ‘billy no mates’ tattooed across my forehead. I assume that the rest of the world is out there, having lots of fun, whilst I’ve failed catastrophically at one of most basic social interactions.

Lesson 1 has been about giving myself a break because, let’s face it, the circumstances have hardly been conducive to a great social life, and I can’t be the only person who sometimes feels a little bit on their own.

More importantly, I can’t expect other people to want to be my friend if I’m not even nice to myself.

2. Getting real

Once I’d pulled my emotional socks up and stopped swerving between self-pity and self-hatred, assessing the situation was the next step; and, there’s no escaping the fact that it’s harder to make friends at 30 then it is at 17.

For a start, you come into contact with fewer people and, on top of that, lots of your peer group have entered the settling down family stage and aren’t as out-and-about as they used to be. This has several implications: you have to be a bit more proactive; and, you have to focus on the connection – rather than the circumstances.

3. The Proactive Approach

The proactive approach means that you can’t wait for people to come to you and you have to look for opportunities, rather than barriers.

This is hard work.

It means that you have to override the temptation to stop after steps 1 and 2, when you’ve realised the difficulty of meeting people but are secure in the knowledge that it’s not just down to you. It also means that you have to ignore the negative voice that says “it’s too much hard work and I can’t do it”, or poses the “what’s the point?” question…

There’s no shying away from the responsibility. If you want to meet people, you’ve got to get out there and you have to be a little bit brave.

4. Saying Yes

This is, contrary to how it initially feels, the easier option. It means that even when you want to say “no thank you” to a dinner that might be a little bit scary; or make up an excuse to an invitation where you’re likely to be a lemon; or side step a party where you could well be standing alone, you say “yes, please” –

Because you won’t know if you don’t try.

In order to support my attempts in this phase, I have, therefore, temporarily banned the word “no” from my ‘things to say to invitations’ response list, and have started saying “yes”. If it’s that bad, you can always leave but, more often than not, it’s quite good.

5. The harder option

I have also started dabbling with the harder option: the taking-the-initiative-and-going-it-alone approach. This one requires guts and the ability to ‘put it down to experience’.

As well as giving my eating disorder my friends, I also gave it my spare time; and, part of recovery has therefore been about finding out what I like and exploring who I am. This means that doing new things has two chances at success: firstly, I find out what I do (and don’t) like; and, secondly, I meet some new people.

To date, I have therefore tried Tai Chi (gave me some inner peace but a little too quiet for friendships); a networking group called More to Life Than Shoes (successful on both accounts); evening courses with the School of Life (I cheated and brought a friend, but the potentials there and the learning’s great); Salsa (surprisingly fun, even with two left feet); and a few other random things.

I am currently doing okay, but I am also revving myself up for: finding a book group; doing a course in something; and, going on holiday.

6. Only Human

I am not the most confident of people and there’s no disguising the fact that going out there’s a little scary; and the possibilities for failure – or rejection – or a heightened sense of alienation, far higher than those presented by a night in on the couch …

However, as you start doing new things and talking to new people, the balance begins to tip and, pretty soon, you start to realise that we’re all just human – which is the most important lesson that I have learnt so far.

I’m not sure where I picked up the idea that hostility is automatic, or at which point my self-esteem plummeted to the depths which I am dragging it up from; but, contrary to my previous assumptions, I’m beginning to notice that fear is unnecessary – and comparisons are irrelevant – and judgements don’t really stick –

And most of us like making friends.

Related stuff

• The Risk of Relationships
• Muddling Through
• Saturday Nights
• People Power
  

Tags: Friends and Family, getting out there, re-connecting, self discovery, things that help

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 9:58 am and is filed under Building Bridges. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.