After hiding behind an eating disorder for so long, explaining my absence from the world is proving slightly problematic.
There are gaps, where there shouldn’t be gaps; and, holes, left, right and centre. Questions that should be obvious, are unanswerable; and small talk raises some pretty major issues –
My favourite food? Not sure. I’ve just got to grips with eating, full stop, and normally describe things as safe – or unsafe.
Holidays? Not really. Travelling wasn’t a great idea and I had been existing within a 30 mile radius until last year.
Relationships. A few. A long time ago, before I gave up on myself completely.
Jobs? When I could, but most of the time I was in treatment and I’ve only just got my head around the notion of a future –
Up until this point, I have not had to explain my past. Getting out and about was certainly not on the eating disorder’s agenda; and, when you’ve been ill for a long time, most of the people you know are aware of where you’ve come from.
Up until recently, I was focussing on sorting me and my health out, without worrying too much about the rest of the world. New friends and new relationships and a new career were a few hurdles down the road, and something to think about at a later date…
It has been harder than I thought.
There are more blanks than I have time to consider; and, I’m so worried about the glaring omissions that every conversation is carried out with baited breath, and in anticipation of the next awkward pause.
I could create a story, to tide me over the early introductions, but I’ve spent so many years lying that I don’t really want to repeat the experience. Or, I could skirt around the edges, shrugging off the unanswerable questions, and snatching at fragments of truth – but it feels like I’m back to papering over the cracks – and self-editing – and the personal negation that just re-starts the whole process, which I’d rather not repeat.
I could go for total honesty and see who sticks around –
Or, I could take a deep breath, and concentrate on what’s there, rather than what’s missing, and see what emerges if I just let me, be me.