Filling in the Blanks

After hiding behind an eating disorder for so long, explaining my absence from the world is proving slightly problematic.

There are gaps, where there shouldn’t be gaps; and, holes, left, right and centre. Questions that should be obvious, are unanswerable; and small talk raises some pretty major issues –

My favourite food? Not sure. I’ve just got to grips with eating, full stop, and normally describe things as safe – or unsafe.

Holidays? Not really. Travelling wasn’t a great idea and I had been existing within a 30 mile radius until last year.

Relationships. A few. A long time ago, before I gave up on myself completely.

Jobs? When I could, but most of the time I was in treatment and I’ve only just got my head around the notion of a future –

Up until this point, I have not had to explain my past. Getting out and about was certainly not on the eating disorder’s agenda; and, when you’ve been ill for a long time, most of the people you know are aware of where you’ve come from.

Up until recently, I was focussing on sorting me and my health out, without worrying too much about the rest of the world. New friends and new relationships and a new career were a few hurdles down the road, and something to think about at a later date…

It has been harder than I thought.

There are more blanks than I have time to consider; and, I’m so worried about the glaring omissions that every conversation is carried out with baited breath, and in anticipation of the next awkward pause.

I could create a story, to tide me over the early introductions, but I’ve spent so many years lying that I don’t really want to repeat the experience. Or, I could skirt around the edges, shrugging off the unanswerable questions, and snatching at fragments of truth – but it feels like I’m back to papering over the cracks – and self-editing – and the personal negation that just re-starts the whole process, which I’d rather not repeat.

I could go for total honesty and see who sticks around –

Or, I could take a deep breath, and concentrate on what’s there, rather than what’s missing, and see what emerges if I just let me, be me.

Tags: ,

  • Share/Bookmark

2 Responses to “Filling in the Blanks”

  1. Julie says:

    I really like your last two sentences here and I think the possible answers to what you are looking for are contained within them. Both ways have merit I believe.

    When recovering I think you can gain alot of personal power from being totally honest. While some people may not be able to handle that, others will see you as strong and have admiration for you. Those are the only people you want around.

    And yes – the other way is to just concentrate of what’s there & I think that can be an excellent idea in the early stages of getting to know people too. It’s selective but I don’t believe dishonest – you are being protective of yourself and no-one should deny you that.

    My best wishes go to you!

  2. melissa says:

    Thank you!

    Your advice is great and I have just remembered how proud of myself I was for recovering. I am going to try and trust my instincts a little and be true to myself, because I want the second type of people around!