Clinging on to the Past?

Some of my friends think that I should move on.

Some of my family worry that I’m clinging to the past.

My doctor suggests that I might be making it harder for myself; my counsellor imagines me with a career, a husband and two kids, and thinks I shouldn’t waste another moment; my head is sick to death of the whole subject –

But I am not ready to let it go, just yet.

17 years is a long time, and I am not prepared to walk away from more than half my life without taking a little something back or, at least, giving the whole experience a damn good reason.

So, before I go on to the career and husband and kids, and turn my back on it all, I need to make sure that the aftertaste isn’t so bitter and that there is something positive to come out of all this pain. And, in order to achieve a little closure, as I say goodbye, I need to make sense of the experience a little, and unravel the causes and contributors and genes and science so I can, at least, start to understand -

Because at the moment, the thought that it was all meaningless is too painful to consider –

And, for the time being, I need to salvage whatever I can, otherwise most of my life has gone to waste.

So I understand the concern, and I agree that I’m clinging onto the past, and I’ll admit, a little sheepishly, that I am not quite brave enough to cut the apron strings completely; but I also need to take a little something back (after it stole so very much) –

And make it make a little sense (otherwise it’s all been for nothing) –

And see if I can stop somebody else –

Because 17 years is a long time, and there’s a reason I’m still here.

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5 Responses to “Clinging on to the Past?”

  1. Jane says:

    I have confidence that you’ll figure out the right balance for yourself : )

  2. melissa says:

    I hope so! Maybe this is part of the process and at least I am aware of it, which is a good first step?!

  3. Anon says:

    This made me think about whether an experience, like an eating disorder (or indeed anything else, positive or negative), must be moved on from in the banging-the-door-shut kind of way.

    At the moment, I am tending towards the idea that you can move on, but you can’t forget things as they make you who you are. To some degree, an experience stays with you – you can’t unlearn it – and from what I can tell, you are trying to get what positives you can out of it and use them for something. That’s not easy, and is something to feel proud of.

    Also, I think it can be difficult for people to understand how fundamental these experiences can be in making us who we are today. Yes, an eating disorder is negative. Yes, it’s awkward to talk about. But I think if someone loves me, really loves me, then they have to accept that there are some dark things that make me who I am. They don’t have to like it – I can’t say I do – but they do need to respect that.

  4. melissa says:

    Wise words! I suppose it’s all about balance and acceptance and appreciating the whole person. Thanks for sharing this.

  5. Holly says:

    Yes. Yes. I relate to strongly to this sentiment, that sense must be made of sickness and sadness–all these things that leave a life bare–before we can move on. Thank you for putting it into words.