Last night, I saw a man hit another man, and I haven’t yet come up for air.
It is, I appreciate, an extreme reaction; and, after a silky soft childhood, I’m not quite sure where it’s come from; but, it has thrown me back, and got me scared, and I feel like I’ve removed the rose tinted glasses and done a double take on a very different reality –
This has happened before.
It is not the first time that the world has suddenly seemed a dark and terrifying place, and it doesn’t seem to take much to scare me -
Jolt number one was a burglary; the next, a particularly unpleasant bottling (witnessed); and the third, a punch in the face. Not much, in the grand scheme of things, but clearly enough…
The earliest happened around the time I got ill, and the last, just before I was sectioned.
I’m no longer sure that this is a coincidence. Whilst the relationship is not direct, neither is it absent –
Because, today I have sought a place to hide, and I haven’t found anywhere that feels safe now that my eating disorder is no longer an option. And the terror, which I can’t seem to let go of, has splashed black paint over the things that were beginning to regain a little colour.
The belief, which I had been carefully nurturing, that the world was worth getting involved with, has taken a battering; and, I can only see danger, rather than the glimpses of life that I had been hanging onto.
This is exactly what total immersion in an eating disorder avoids. This is how something so unsafe, starts to feel safer than the alternative –
Which makes me jump, when I hear shouts; and, gets my in the stomach, when I see anger; and, leads to restless nights and fragmented dreams and an inescapable sense of terror.
Only, I can’t hide behind an eating disorder, this time; and, I can’t write off human civilisation, after regaining a little trust; and, I have to find a way of working through fear – rather than being consumed by it –
Because, bad things happen, sometimes – but they can’t negate the good things –
And bad people appear, on occasion – but this doesn’t mean that we’re all doomed –
And the world might be scary, at times – but, it can also be warm, and beautiful, and caring –
Which I’d miss if I was hiding under my eating disorder again.
Tags: fear, sign of the times
I’m so sorry to hear this. I work with people every day to whom bad things seem to have happened, and who perhaps have done bad things, and the impact it can have on your feelings doesn’t get any easier despite being around such people so often.
But what I have also seen is people getting stronger and growing from bad experiences. I see it on a week by week basis as people change in front of my eyes. It gives me hope that people can change and that the world, whilst scary, can become better too.
Thank you! I needed to hear that!