I have been going round and round in circles for the past month; and, regardless of the starting point, I still seem to end up with the same, unanswerable question –
Where do I fit in?
I am beginning to find the constant side-tracking a little frustrating now. It is rather tiring to keep reaching the concluding paragraph, only to find myself again writing the same four little words. Again.
So, I am changing tact, and moving the ending – to the opening – because throwing ideas around has always helped me to reach my epiphanies; and, hey, I’m going to find myself asking the same question anyway, so I might as well get straight to the point –
And then go back to the beginnings.
Envy was origin number one. I seem to have been getting a visit from the green eyed monster a touch too frequently at the moment; and with a history of recurrent envy, it seemed a good idea to explore the emotion a little before it got out of control –
I have never been very good at appreciating what I have got. Despite the best of intentions, I always feel myself wanting what she’s got, or comparing my lot to her lot, or coveting somebody else’s life…
So, as I started to probe what, exactly, I was envious about; and as I felt the familiar swell of inadequacy and disappointment and general dissatisfaction, it started to dawn on me that the object was irrelevant; in, fact, the emotion itself was a bit of a deception –
Envy isn’t about other people and I didn’t really want what they had –
I just wasn’t sure what I had to offer and couldn’t quite see where I fitted in.
Origin number 2 was my outlook on the world (it’s been a thought-provoking few months).
I don’t think that I have been getting on very well with the world for a while now.
On the back of a few experiences, I seem to have written off the whole human race; and, until recently, I hadn’t stopped to question whether it was possible that people could be friends – rather than enemies.
This could explain why I’ve been getting on so well with an eating disorder; and, might shed some light on why getting back in touch with the world has been such a struggle – but it also forces me to ask the very same question that we started with: where do I fit in?
Because, my struggles with the world are about trying to see where I belong; and, the hostility that I perceive, is about being scared that I don’t have a place. The people as enemies is a self-fulfilling prophecy that I set up when I pit myself against “them”; and, if you’re viewing the world as a big scary stage, it’s obviously hard to see where your part comes into it –
Which is origin number 3. Competitions and comparisons.
This one hurts and it’s not something I’m very proud of. I seem to have been making rather a lot of comparisons of late. It’s like the envy theme (focusing on them – rather than me) and filled, destructively, with ratings and rankings and ‘better than’s’, and the constant scrabble for success – although I couldn’t define what this is –
The problem with comparisons and competitions is that sometimes they get all mixed up and, in an attempt to win every competition and meet the demands of each different comparison, you lose any sense of who you are and where you fit in.
Like a headless chicken, I have been running round trying to get it right in every arena – but what wins one trophy might be the bogey prize in the next context; and, what rocks his boat might sink hers. The standards for one contest are not necessarily those judging that competition; and, if there’s only one gold medal going, you can’t always be on top –
I have, therefore, been failing in every competition and paling in every comparison and ended up feeling like I have lost any sense of direction; because, it’s not the recognition that I’m really looking for: I’m just acting out the same, resounding question –
Where do I fit in?
I have been asking the wrong thing.
I have jumped over the vital step of working out who I am; and, have instead, been trying to locate myself via other people – rather than myself.
No wonder I didn’t find an answer.
It’s a moveable feast when I’m still trying to work out who “I” is –
And, when I solve this mystery, I probably won’t find myself agonising over the “where do I fit in?” question –
I will already know the answer.
Tags: self discovery, Self Esteem, the human head
These things are something I am struggling with, too, in addition to the whole thing with food. I’m scared that I’ll never know who I am and this will mean I can never be 100% happy.
Thinking about wants and desires, envies and comparisons, I have a constant feeling that I’m running behind; failing to catch up with my peers. I haven’t a clear career goal, despite 5 years’ successful studying. I don’t own a home – I was a student when other people were starting work and making a home. I don’t live with my boyfriend; I’ve never lived with a boyfriend, I don’t have children and I’m not yet on the verge of marriage.
Everything seems to be full of things I’m not, and I can’t see who I am for all the things in the way.
Add that to the fact that the eating thing changes who you are so substantially, it’s no wonder really. What confidence and sense of self-worth you have erode themselves to a big pile of nothing. You become the problem, to some extent, so finding who you are gets lost.
Maybe spending some serious time thinking about the things that I am (intelligent, funny, someone’s girlfriend, sister, friend, child) that are NOT related to my looks, would help make thinking about the things I would really like to be feel less stressful and even, perhaps, a real possibility.
I’m going to take a tip out of your book: it’s all about trying to focus on the positives which is a totally alien experience when you’ve been used to seeking out the flaws. I imagine that the self-discovery process is ongoing throughout our lives and it’s just being open to what we find that’s the challenge….as well as ignoring the unhelpful comparisons that we make along the way.
I’ve noticed that my eating disorder separated me to such an extent from other people that I didn’t realise that the insecurities and concerns I had were shared – and, therefore, the notions of falling behind or failing to stack up were a bit of an illusion. Since being more open about myself and my experiences, other people have also opened up; and, it’s been a real eye opener in terms of how many assumptions we make.
My mission at the moment is to not make those assumptions and to start building up the trust and compassion and self belief that my eating disorder destroyed. I don’t think there’s a quick fix, but the comments that people are leaving and their insights are really helping along the way. It all comes back to staying in touch and staying kind and reaching a point of acceptance that is firm, beyond the moving feast that goes on around us.
It is, as I remind myself constantly, all good learning!