After last year’s bathroom tile debacle, I thought I’d got to the bottom of my indecision; but choosing carpets would suggest that I haven’t got there quite yet.
After a week of yo yo-ing between ivory and almond, and learning the shift patterns of the various Carpet Right staff, I’m clearly still struggling; but, this time, I don’t think the problem is knowing what I want – it’s living with the consequence that’s holding me back.
My head doesn’t do mistakes and it’s certainly not into forgiving.
It is judge, jury and executioner; and it doesn’t scrimp on the sentence. Whether we’re talking about shades of cream or life choices, the price of getting it wrong is rarely worth the risk –
and should be avoided at all costs.
And so, with the threat of making the wrong decision hanging, ominously, above me; and the dread of getting it wrong shadowing every move I make, I am driving myself – and the Carpet Right staff – to the point of distraction.
And, because I would rather pass the responsibility to far better equipped shoulders, and I seem to exonerate other people in a way that I am unable to exonerate myself; I am back into checking up (what do you think?) and checking out (what would you do?), and checking in (is this okay?) mode –
It is quite difficult to advise someone on a carpet when you’re speaking over the phone.
It is virtually impossible to amalgamate the feedback from multiple sources, with different levels of carpet expertise, and differing tastes in shades of cream.
But it is better than the alternative.
Or is it?
I am not sure when I decided that my judgement shouldn’t be trusted, and it’s hard to determine whether the verdict is mine – or an echo of someone else.
I can’t recall whether I made a momentous mistake, at some point, or if the source of my fear lies in the exaggerated blow of personal disappointment –
Only, each time I go through this process, I seem to be reinforcing the message that I am not quite competent; and, every time I get dragged into the torturous yes-no-yes-no conversation, I just seem to be increasing the ammunition for the next time I have to make a decision (which I could, if I gave myself a chance) –
Or am asked an opinion (which might be worth hearing, if I wasn’t fearing the recrimination) –
Or am deciding what to do next –
Which could – when I’m not looking over my shoulder and lost in indecision – be anything….
Tags: self discovery, Self Esteem, self-acceptance, the human head
This is exactly the dilemma I’ve been having this week (though not about carpets!). Is it best to keep going round in circles, collecting opinions and then trying to ascertain which to go with, or do I try and work it out for myself?
I know that for me, my lack of trust in myself comes from wanting to please my parents and having tried to make some decisions myself (which in hindsight weren’t really all my own decisions), feeling like I keep making mistakes (I went to University and got an eating disorder ergo University was a mistake; I moved and got sick ergo moving was a mistake etc).
Where does it end?
Are we to keep going in circles, or should we make a move to break out of it?
If I decide to make my own decisions, how do I know what my opinions even are? Spending so long not deciding seems to blur knowing myself and my own views.
Tough questions and another case of action versus inaction.
Or maybe part of the process. I know that the frustration drove me to change my eating disorder….and to order a carpet without yet another viewing! Maybe it’s about remembering that you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t allow yourself to make them, and you can’t work out who you are if you don’t give yourself room to speak. I imagine it takes practice, but I think you can start small (red or blue) and work from there. Or that’s what I’m hoping, anyway!
From all the things I’ve read, it’s like being a scientist and needing to do enough experiments to prove your irrational thinking wrong. Like anything, it probably takes a good amount of time and patience (asking other people their opinion a couple of times instead of a million!) until you can just do these things with just a little, normal nervousness.
And I guess seeing things as opportunities for choosing things instead of being backed into a corner and forced to choose sides is the better way of seeing things!