I had a sudden urge to cut my wrists on the way to work this morning.
It caught me, unawares, when I thought that things were on the straight and even, and I was better now thank you very much.
No trigger.
No warning.
Just a sudden, violent, surge of desperation that over-powered me –
Nearly.
But because I was on the way to work, I fixed my head on getting to a safe place; and, because I have learnt that self-destruction is not something I want to visit again; I took a deep breath; and, when I was caught on the back swell, I kept myself calm and talked myself down –
Because a thought, is only a thought – and not a command; and, a feeling is something to work with – not something to fear.
When I was coming home from work this evening, I laughed along with the radio (because the moment had passed and I’m feeling okay now), and I wrapped myself up in a blanket in front of the TV when I’d kicked off my shoes and thrown down my bags (because the experience has worn me out a little), and I thought a bit about what might be going on for me (which is an ongoing conversation) –
And, next time the urge makes an unexpected appearance (which it probably will), I’ll remember that…
A thought, is only a thought – and not a command –
And, a feeling is something to work with – not something to fear.
Tags: relapse, self destruction, self harm
