I have been seeking approval. Again.
It’s a habit I can’t seem to shift – even if the guise keeps changing.
Whilst I’ve come so far, in so many respects, people pleasing still seems instinctive; and, the drive for validation that helped me to lose my identity is now making it difficult to work out who I am –
Because it’s hard to shrug off years of moulding and editing and shaping the ‘perfect’ you –
And it’s difficult to work out who you are, when you’re busy trying to work out who everyone else wants you to be –
So, I’m trying to interrupt the cycle; because, at 13, I might not have realised that you can’t please everyone – but, by 29, I should know better.
And, I’m trying to buck the trend; because, I’ve wasted enough time looking for approval – and I’d like to start giving it to myself.
So, with my detective’s hat re-instated and an emotional mystery to solve, I’m going back to the begin and I’ve a few questions I’d like to understand –
Like why I feel lost without recognition?
And what’s the implication of a little disapproval?
And why do I seem to rate everyone else’s opinion far higher than my own?…
Because my eating disorder clearly didn’t solve these issues – and I can feel myself getting a little lost again.
Tags: the human head
Melissa, I can’t say this enough, but please know that you’re not the only one! Every woman I know (including myself, for the most of the time!) has felt the urge to satisfy everyone else (emotionally, materially, doesn’t matter) before turning to her own needs. And has, possibly, esteemed others’ opinions more than her own. Theories have been put forward on whether this has to do with our genetic hard-wiring or on whether it’s a cultural thing or maybe both, but I think that, especially in the case of people with a diagnosis, it has to do with our losing the expert position on who we are and what we want, either de facto (because we are ill) or because of the power discourses involved in therapeutic settings. Or the combination of the two.
Rivers of ink have flown, but let me tell you this: At the end of the day, chances are, you have already ‘disappointed’ people you care about by being ill/frail/moody/self-destructive, for a long time. (And what makes matters worse is that EDs, self-mutilation and depression are oftentimes sadly seen as ’selected’ illnesses/symptoms by a lot of people, even by people diagnosed with them!)
What matters is that, DESPITE all this, these people are still around you! You have put them to the test by being the worst you can, ‘deliberately’ or not, and they’re come clean. Which must mean that those who care about you enough to stick around during the worst of times don’t expect to be pleased, looked up to, be highly rated or anything else. They are there anyway, regardless of you body weight, mood, looks or anything else. And, to my experience, they never expect anything other than to see us thrive, for ourselves. Of course, don’t just take my word for it, you can always ask them to be sure.
As for those who are not around, or who come and go, well, maybe they’re not the people you want around you anyway, being faint-hearted or lacking understanding and empathy… Not that raising your stakes at having more people around by being healthy is not worth the effort, but really, there’s always only a handful that stays with you when the sh*t hits the fan. And that’s pragmatism, for you (and me).
Hope that helps. (It’s stuff I keep telling myself, anyway!)
It does really help – one of the best things about this site is realising that you’re only human…and that the expectations we place on ourselves are far higher than those other people have!
..the pragmatism is also good: I tend to get lost in my head sometimes!
Thank you!