No Going Back.

Flashing lights and ambulance sirens and the mutterings of paramedics and this is the break point. This is the moment when I’m scared that I might have gone too far.

Hospital beds at three in the morning with a wired up heart and an alarm that keeps beeping and this is the life change. This is the instant when I can see what I’m about to lose.

And, in that precariously balanced moment, when I’m not sure which side of the fine line I’ll end up on, and I’m terrified that it will be the wrong one; this is the promise that I make to myself –

No going back.

If I am fortunate enough to make it through tonight, things will change.

If I am lucky enough to see another morning and have another chance, then there will be no going back.

And so, when the temptation to maybe cut back a little here or shave off a few calories there or just lose a pound – or two – creeps into my heads, then I have to remind myself -

And when my head starts playing tricks and my mind starts telling me lies and my body starts enjoying the feeling of hunger, then I make myself remember –

Flashing lights and ambulance sirens and the mutterings of paramedics and hospital beds at three in the morning and a wired up heart and no going back.

No going back.

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2 Responses to “No Going Back.”

  1. Michelle says:

    Thank you. this really reminded me of why i need to keep fighting for recovery!

  2. melissa says:

    It’s scary how easy it is to forget how bad it is – I wish you ALL the best for your recovery. xx