I seem to have stopped being invisible now that I’ve put on a little weight.
People are no longer looking through me or averting their eyes.
I didn’t realise that they were doing this until I had a comparison – but now that there’s a little more skin on my bones, the reaction is a whole lot more positive…
I actually feel quite good.
Even though I’m still readjusting to the slight rounding and some subtle curves, I seem to be getting on a lot better with the world.
Fading away may have featured highly on anorexia’s agenda but, what you lose in physical space is more than made up for in mental attention; and, even when you cancel out your identity totally – if, indeed, that’s the real intention – then you’re only really replacing yourself with a medical name…
So, now that I’ve finally broken through the gaining weight barrier, there have been some unexpected pleasures on the other side. I am beginning to feel like a person, again; and, I obviously look a lot better because the response has been totally different –
For a start, I think the male radar is beginning to pick me up again, which is kind of nice after years of falling below the recognition line. And then, there’ve been far more compliments flying my way which – providing that you take, rather than negate, them –generate an unexpected warmth, the forgotten rush of pride that comes when people notice you in a positive way.
It is a lot easier to make friends with my new body when the feedback is so encouraging. I don’t just feel a little softer and look a little less breakable; I’m also moving into a new social space.
Feeling included is far more fun than hanging around the edge. The stay away signals were clearly doing their job, because people seem to want to spend far more time with me now they’re not so preoccupied with the health implications.
So, I am being invited out for dinner – rather than specially catered for; and, I can take part in the conversation – rather than calorie counting my way through the menu. I have a little more to say now that food has stopped dominating my headspace; and, a little more energy to have fun with –
People are far better friends than an eating disorder; and a life is far more satisfying than the not dead existence of anorexia.
Plus, I can pack more real stuff into a day that is not consumed by binging or structured around rigid meal times. With a little more energy, the things that felt too hard, have been achievable; and, the things that only other people could do, have stopped being so exclusive.
With each step, the possibilities open up further – and, when your head is not hi-jacked by hunger and your body is no longer on the edge, life stops being a fight –
- and starts to get quite exciting
Tags: getting back in touch, re-connecting, recovery, self discovery, Weight
