I am currently in the self management phase: I am managing myself, by my self.
It’s a good place to be, although it sounds quite serious.
It means that I am keeping a vigilant eye out for potential pitfalls and I am avoiding any routes that will end up leading backwards. That I am being a little cautious with myself and am on the alert while I make sure that I’ve regained my balance –
I don’t know whether an eating disorder ever disappears totally – but I’m making damn sure that it doesn’t come back.
Fortunately, years of therapy have fostered some fantastic self awareness. If you can recognise the feelings, they’re far less scary. I have strategies and pep talks and precautions for a whole range of previously disastrous scenarios –
Loneliness will pass and keeping busy makes the isolation less acute. A little forward planning is always good and a phone is a life saver.
Boredom is normal and better managed than binged through. A nice goal orientated activity – like the ironing – will do the job when you can muster up the energy; anything where someone else is making the effort (TV, DVDs) works equally well when you can’t.
A quick re-cap of the things that make my life meaningful makes the ominous cloud of depression a little lighter, as does the knowledge that life is full of going down and then coming back up –
When you start to understand the feelings, they’re easier to manage. Plus, I can spot my personal trigger points a mile off; and, once you’ve seen the pattern, it’s easier to intervene.
Tiredness makes everything feel harder – as does being cold and getting hungry. The solution lies in the source and tends thing to feel a little better when you’re slept, supped and warm.
Comparisons are never healthy and will always make you feel inadequate.
Anger can skew your thinking – but it’s better to acknowledge and then move on, because the true emotion should not be directed at yourself.
You get the idea.
And, when the sensible thinking strategies feel a little tired and a little empty; or, when I feel the perverse tug of a little self destruction or notice a new obsession slyly creeping in: well, I’ve got the painful lessons of the past pointing me in the right direction –
I may always be a little awkward with my body and slightly uncomfortable around food, but I have used up my nine eating disorder lives –
And the fear of going back will keep me going forward.
Tags: recovery, relapse, self discovery
