I couldn’t resist. I know the subject (re-learning how to start eating normally) is serious but I’d rather lighten the tone, ease the tension a little.
And it’s not just an empty pun. It’s exactly what I had to do. Prove that food isn’t what the eating disorder said it was, start building up a little evidence, find a little ammunition to challenge 17 years of negative associations.
Bulimia claims that one biscuit leads to a packet and chocolate must always be thrown up. Anorexia dictates that cheese is not safe and asserts that only larger than average (to put it politely) people eat pastries. OCD says that vegetables must precede protein, and bran flakes must only be eaten on Mondays. Addiction says that you need more and more and more –
Proving them wrong was part of my getting better.
It was a slow process – a step by cautious step re-programming of a few dozen particularly warped thoughts; and, I started with the easier things, the foods that were just out of my grasp – and not those that felt a million miles away.
So, I’d pick a food a week, and have it every day until I felt confident that I could have it on any day. The last out were the first back in; the just –a-little-bit-more-than-before foods, an easier starting point.
Practice makes perfect. Pretty soon, you’re having things you never thought you’d be able to have.
After the easy wins, I had to test out the eating disorder demons: to see whether one piece of cake would be catastrophic (anorexic head) or whether chocolate could only be eaten in the context of a binge (bulimia head) –
You can slow down if it gets too much. The speed doesn’t matter. It’s only the direction that’s really important.
Week by week, my repertoire increased. Day by day, it got a little better, a little less consuming. It’s really a case of feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Like a child, trying out new things for the first time, I looked at what other people ate; I sampled kiddy portions. When there were things I really needed to add (corporate sandwiches; bone foods; omega 3 supergods), I attacked the challenge like a detective building up a case – find the evidence, prove the point; like an athlete preparing for a race: practice, practice – and more practice.
It might have felt like a marathon, but I’m getting there now.
There’s a little distance left on the track – but the eating disorder’s losing pretty quickly. It’s hard to dispute my proof. I’ve wrestled a few of those foods from bulimia’s sticky grasp, given anorexia’s claims a run for their money – and started to prove to myself that I can get better.
Tags: change, Eating, things that help
