2 am

Sometimes, it would get me in the middle of the night.

They don’t warn you about that.

Sometimes, the addiction would penetrate through my sleep; and, I’d find myself, bleary eyed and sleep headed, standing in the kitchen trying to assemble a pile of food.

While outside was still and sleeping and time seemed suspended, I’d be retching my guts up in my own private world.

Sometimes, it would catch me unawares.

You like to think you’re in control.

But, sometimes, I’d find that the whole messy process had started with one, fleeting thought, or the whiff of freshly cooked food; and, suddenly, I’d be spiralling down and swallowing mouthfuls of panic because the momentary satisfaction was tinged with agony -

There are a few misconceptions out there about bulimia.

It might start out feeling like a quick fix diet aid; but, I can assure you, that won’t last for long.

You may feel like it’s all under your control; but, you quickly learn who’s in the driving seat – particularly if you add the savage desperation of a starving body into the mix.

It may look like a cry for attention or a silly school girl epidemic or, most horrifically, an aspiration…

But, let me set the record straight –

Sometimes, it will get you when you’re not expecting it.

Sometimes, you’ll only realise that that you’re under the thumb, when you try and escape –

And it’s far better to get out before you reach this point.


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2 Responses to “2 am”

  1. emma says:

    This post.. all of these posts make me want to recover.

  2. Melissa says:

    Hang in there Emma and best of luck with your journey. I thought it was impossible, but I was wrong. xx