A Reason to Recover

Getting better is not always the easiest option – so you’ve got to have a reason to break through the pain barrier. A little personal pep talk to keep you going when the going gets tough.

I’d love to write the script, to provide a nice neat comprehensive list of reasons that will keep you on the straight and narrow -

- but my reasons belongs to me and your reasons have to belong to you.

My personal pep talk will never sound like your personal pep talk – because, the key to getting through recovery is working out what makes the difference for you. It’s identifying that elusive – and all important – touchstone that gives recovery a context for you.

There’s a subtle difference between a reason for recovery that sounds like a sensible idea – and one that you really feel and believe. The former might make sense – but it probably won’t keep you going. The latter will work.

Eating for energy and warmth and a touch of normality was an argument that I totally agreed with – in principle; but, it was meaningless without a context, empty with no supporting evidence to fall back on.

Making other people happy? Great on paper – but all about them and precariously dependent on their reactions.

Stopping binging to save money was a short term quick fix; eating to build up strength only worked when I was teetering at death’s door; ‘recovering’ to please the professionals didn’t stand up in the real world –

- but, my personal reasons did.

The things that I valued and I believed in kept me going – right through that pain barrier, over the top of that little internal voice, and in spite of the fear and the discomfort and the uncertainty –

I was getting better because being ill had become so unbearable and frustrating and claustrophobic that staying the same was now a more frightening prospect.

I was getting better because the discomfort and the fear of change would only increase over time, it was just getting bigger and badder with avoidance.

I was getting better because, while I was still in starvation mode, I never knew how much talent and potential I was frittering away; how many opportunities and occasions I was shutting the door on.

I was getting better because I didn’t want to lose the people that I loved.

I was getting better to be able to go out for dinner like other people did.

I was getting better because I’d proved my point; because I’d pushed and punished myself enough; because the to-ing and fro-ing between wanting to recover and not wanting to recover was more torturous than just giving in –

just letting go

and saying that it was okay to want to get better –

and giving myself permission to change.

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