Taking Responsibility

I thought that I’d have to be absolutely certain that I wanted to get better before I could make the leap.

I waited, and waited … and waited, to reach a head space where all the big changes felt better; where recovery felt easy and exciting and a little less daunting.

It didn’t happen.

I thought that someone or something could make it easier. That this EDU or that psychiatrist or that day and this outfit would change everything, it was just a case of finding the right someone something….

No.

Because only I had the answer.

And the realisation hit me like a sledge-hammer.

When you’re searching for a cure, there’s hope – it’s out there somewhere – and exoneration – my recovery is not my responsibility. When you’ve tried all the options and exhausted all the blame, there’s only one place left to look –

– at yourself.

When the penny finally dropped and I realised that my knight in shining armour would never pitch up, that the magic pill was unlikely to be developed in my lifetime, and that a new year new me, taking responsibility was the only remaining option.

It was not an easy ride. Taking responsibility ups the stakes.

When there’s no one else to blame, you’ve got to look at yourself a little. When you stop waiting, you’ve got to start acting. When you’re not focussing on a chimera, reality can seem a whole lot more overwhelming.

It’s scary (what do I do?) and lonely (I’m all on my own) and frustrating (I don’t ever change) and depressing (it’s in my control) and, at times, horrifically overwhelming (I am my own worst enemy) -

But it’s also the best lesson you’ll ever learn.

And probably lead to the best thing you’ll ever do.

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One Response to “Taking Responsibility”

  1. Afterglow says:

    Melissa -

    I have found myself going back to read some of your older posts. I feel like you are taking them right out of my head. How do people have such similar experiences and thoughts? I feel as though with your wisdom and experience that maybe it could help me figure some things out. This post is definitely one of them. I feel ’somewhat ready’ to cange this, but I’ve found that I desperately want to hold onto a lot of the things that have come along with the ED. I have come to the realization – with the help of this post – that I think that I need to be completely ready to even start. I guess that’s the wrong attitude. I understand that it’s easier and more reachable if I go one step at a time, but I don’t know where to start.

    Thank you sooo much for writing and lending some experience from someone that is in recovery…. letting go of the ED.
    Afterglow