Piece by piece, I am slowly letting go.
Step by slow step, I am gradually saying goodbye.
It is a long and painful process. I have been here before, but not this far down the road, not this close to freedom, not this scared and strangely empty.
Today, the jumpers have gone. It has been building up for a while, but they are now in black bags, ready to be taken to the charity shop. They have vacated their long occupied position.
This is the coat which I cut holes into so that I could fill the lining with chocolate bars and cakes and biscuits when I was in hospital and not allowed to buy food. It was my first grown up coat and I was so proud of it; and then I became desperate, and it became tainted.
This is the jumper with the big pockets that I used to crumble my toast into when they made me eat it at breakfast, that I used to smear the butter from my fingers into. It is long and baggy, kept me warm and hid my body. I can barely bring myself to touch it now.
These are the shoes that I brought for the graduation ceremony that I never made and now intensely regret missing. This the jumper that reminded me of how much I was loved – without realising it. These the video cases that disguised a stock of food; the magazines that I obsessed over; the shoes that I wore to walk fast in; the bag that is now stained and ruined; the ridiculously small jeans that they should not have been allowed to sell.
It has pervaded every element of my life and, each time I go through this cleansing period, it gets a little easier, there is a little less to go through. Hopefully this is a positive sign. Each time I replace the newly emptied space with the things that I – and not the eating disorder – want, it is scary at first and I am terrified of what it means and what will happen…
After years of clinging desperately on, however, I’m letting go; and, while it may feel like a separation and like a deprivation; it’s also, finally, becoming a strange kind of liberation.
Tags: change, letting Go
