Honesty

Anorexia is not very honest. It tells you things that aren’t true – you eat too much – and makes you tell other people things that aren’t true – I eat enough. Bulimia’s similar although the lies are slightly different. I imagine that other eating disorders operate along the same lines of deception.

It’s not a conscious deceit – it’s all about the illness taking control. If something tells you that black is white enough times, you start to believe it. At the very least, you start to question whether black is white.

Honesty’s hard when your minds being addled. When you’re lying to yourself, lying to others is path of the course. And it makes everything a whole lot easier.

Talking about an eating disorder is humiliating. You do things that you wouldn’t normally do.

Things that you’re ashamed of (throwing up behind a bush when the toilets are all being used) or confused by (hiding that piece of bread because you can’t face eating it) or compelled to do (walking up and down that supermarket aisle).

Things that go against the socially acceptable grain.

Things that show your illness – and, therefore, mean that you just might have to change.

Honesty’s difficult when you’re scared of getting better.

But it’ll help you when you’re scared of staying ill and, believe me, that’s a lot worse.

wasted_lives

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