I’ve been trying to get my head around this whole pro-anorexia trend. Wondering whether, in the process of healing, I’ve forgotten what it felt like and lost a little of the empathy that would make understanding possible.
It’s hard to go back there.
When you start to see the damage and have struggled – and struggled – for your freedom, then remembering the attraction is difficult…
But it’s probably important.
If you can understand the appeal then you might be able to offer an alternative.
Anorexia felt like an achievement – at first. It was a goal – losing weight – that was being met. It was a demonstration of my control and evidence of my self-discipline.
The hollow pang of hunger was a comfort – for a while. It was something to focus on. It meant that I wasn’t being greedy, that I was really earning every morsel that passed my lips.
Resisting food was about not needing.
Denying hunger was about not feeling.
Calories and grams and pounds and kilos can be managed in ways that life can’t be –
Bulimia seemed like a good idea – at first. It was a way of pursuing the goal – when the hollow pang of hunger stopped making me high and started making me desperate.
Throwing up was a relief – for a while. It was a secret get out clause when resisting food stopped being an option. It was a way of getting rid of all the things that I didn’t want to think or feel or deal with.
Binging was about blocking it all out.
Purging was the physical release.
The whole process satisfied – and then re-started – the desire –
Being thin was the bond that held everything together.
Nothing else matters providing that the scales keep creeping backwards.
Nobody can touch you if, when you go to sleep at night, you can feel your hipbones and encircle your wrists.
No one will expect anything if your appearance says stay away and they’re scared you might shatter….
Or so it seemed.
So, I can understand the appeal.
And I can remember the highs.
But the attraction’s hard to palate now that I’ve started paying the price –
and the “benefits” are a little less enticing now that I’ve cottoned onto the trap.
Help Finding Melissa to challenge the pro-anorexia message.
Tags: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, living with it
